Next to being witty yourself, the best thing is to quote another's wit.

A collision is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.

A camel is an horse designed by a committee.

There is one one cure for grey hair, it was invented by a frenchman, it is called a guillotine.

Too bad that all people who know how to run a Country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

A women will sometimes forgive the man who tries to seduce her, but never the man who misses an opportunity when offered.

The difference between a man and a boy is that a man's toys cost a lot more.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits.

Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.

Why do people say "you will never guess what happened to me" and then expect you to do so?

The most popular labour-saving device is still money.

Dogs are sons of bitches.

The only person to call a spade a spade is a gardener.

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, others just go over them.

To get back one's youth one has merely to repeat one's follies.

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. (my favourite by Mark Twain)

I can resist everything except temptation.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

I'm an instant star, just add water and stir.

I'm NOT a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

EXPERIENCE is the name so many people give to their mistakes.

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one-and-a-half times his own weight in other people's patience.

HAPPINESS is good health and a bad memory.

An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his Country.

WHOEVER named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.