I Hate The Smiling Chessbase Guy
Submitted by
on Wed, 02/25/2009 at 12:06am.
So there I was, visiting www.chessbaseusa.com with my credit card in hand, pricing out the new Chessbase 10 packages with every intention of making a purchase. I was feeling pretty good about myself because I was actually going to pay (gasp!) for a software product that I've been downloading for years. It was as if I thought this one payment would absolve me of all my torrential sins.
After adding the package to my shopping cart I decided to look for a training DVD that had eluded me for years. I browse through the different training packages but can't find it. I did a search - nothing. After being redirected back to the home page for what seemed like the 100th time, and growing increasingly annoyed with the circa 1999 site design, it suddenly struck me: I Hate The Smiling Chessbase Guy
If you've ever been to chessbaseusa.com you know exactly who I'm talking about. It's this guy:
I hate you Mr. Smiling Chessbase guy. I hate everything about you. I can't tell if you're the village idiot who won't stop drooling on the chess pieces or if you're trying to tell me that you're gonna sleep with my girlfriend the first chance you get. I think both things might be true.
I hate the way you're hovering over the chess board. I'm warning you...keep that crap up and you're gonna take a clock to the face. I mean it. Back the hell off.
And button up your damn shirt. Do I look like Susan Polgar to you?
You call those chess pieces? Size matters buddy. And yours? Well...sorry, but those pieces are too small to satisfy anyone. And real men use wood.
Lastly, and most importantly, I hate you for looking so damn happy. No one, and I mean no one, ever looks happy when sitting at a chess board. It's just not done. So put those pearly whites away and pick an emotional state somewhere between 'mildly annoyed' and 'absolutely miserable' and start projecting. Really sell it too. If you need some help getting into character go out and pick up the latest issue of The Economist. I bet you won't be grinning then....
Uh huh. That's what I thought.
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