The soul is thirsty
Submitted by
on Sat, 12/13/2008 at 6:48am.
No, I am not a philosopher; though I can see how you might think of me as one, given my reflections on life & chess (not necessarily in that order).
Several months ago, I embarked on a journey. A quest. Thought it might be useful to me (and hopefully, to others) to record any experiences / discoveries / introspections enroute.
There was a time when I would look at the board, think hard and play a move. Sometimes it would be good, sometimes not so good. I would celebrate wins, sulk with losses and ignore draws.
Today, I realized it is not the same any more. The realization came when I found that for several days at a stretch, I didn't feel too happy. It was surprising even to me, since I played quite a bit of chess during the week, and the weekend. So what has changed? The answer: My expectations!!
During the last few months, I have learnt a bit; some new openings, some end-game techniques, and practiced a bit of position-analysis and a bit of tactics. I know I have improved a little. With that knowledge, came the weight of increased expectations!
I am no longer happy with any move. I want the best move! When I don't find it, I am not happy. Now the funny thing (it appears funny now, but I assure you it was painful while I was enduring it) is - even when I am considering the best move, how on earth was I to know it was the best? So quite often, I have to put up with the uncertainty and pull on.
More agony would come later. When the game progresses; what looked like a good positional move (or a reasonable exchange leading to equality) early on reveals itself to be a subtle mistake! Nothing profound or blatant... just a subtle one. Even when it is not bad enough to lose the game, it is enough to drive mr. seeking-perfection into a grumpy mood (I must remember to thank my son & my wife for putting up with my mood-swings) for some time.
Here is something else! Even after I win a game, I am not happy!! The computer analysis shows that I missed a few good chances on the way. Or I won only because my opponent played a weak move or two. Not really because I played well, if you know what I mean! Now mr. seeking-perfection is upset again!
Now I know. I am expecting too much, too quickly from myself. I realize that I need more practice and more learning before I can recognize some good moves and some not so good ones. So the journey goes on.
The good thing is: the soul is still thirsty. In that, there is hope.