Cheess
Submitted by on Tue, 01/20/2009 at 3:03am.
Chess is an ancient game of strategy played with small figurines and dice in dark cellars by people who were rejected by their school's other clubs. It should not be confused with Checkers, a game known for being played by people significantly dumber than Chess players. The game was a popular pastime for centuries among prisoners, each of whom sought to topple their king the fastest. However, the game was barely known among the middle and upper classes before Bobby Fischer's singlehanded efforts to popularize the game in the mid-20th century, climaxing in 1972 when he convinced Boris Spassky to make chess the official game of Russia despite fierce opposition from covert and well-funded lobbyists.
This king has either been mated or has passed out drunk.
History
Historians agree that the game's name is widely held to be a derivation of "chest", and that the first games were played on diagrams carved on the chests of dead bodies. These bodies came to be referred to as "boards" for their stiffness. The smell and possible maggots might have made the game unpleasant. A small minority argue that such a practice would likely have been illegal in ancient times, though mainstream scholars point out that this hypothesis fails to explain why the game enjoyed such great popularity among criminals.
Having traditionally been popular among the lower classes and the less educated, the game has acquired several French terms over time, the most well known of which is "checkmate", derived from "j'ec matte", meaning "I grope you" or "Surprise! You have been groped". This may refer to an endgame ritual of which French historian Tacitus IV wrote:
"A victor having been established by fair processes, that person does henceforth receive the liberty of fondling the hidden parts of the vanquished, who may at appropriate times reposition himself, saying 'I adjust', and who, when sufficient time is deemed to have elapsed, may demand that the victor desist forthwith, at which point the vanquished assumes the role of the victor, and vice versa, and so on."
French players have received widespread acclaim for refining the act of mating and for discovering hundreds of previously unknown checkmate positions.
Most recently, silicon-based life forms have begun to dominate the world of chess, including Deep Blue, Deep Fritz, Deep Fry, a program created entirely to annoy Bobby Fischer. Deep Fritz has invented a novel checkmating pattern so effective that it annihilated a World Chess Champion, Vladimir Kramnik, who was generous enough to allow the shallow Deep Fritz to execute the checkmate 35.Qh7.
Chess Rules
Chess is played by two people. They sit opposite each other with a board between them that has a bunch of pieces on it. These pieces move in confusing ways. Each player takes his or her turn, moving pieces until one of two conditions is satisfied. Either a player clearly humiliates his or opponent, or both sides decide that they are too bored and confused to continue playing, and so agree to draw.
There are a few other rules, according to the FIDE Official Tournament Rules:
- White first rule: White always goes first. This rule can be traced back to the time of slavery, when whites always got to go first, and blacks pretty much never got to go at all. Note that there were very few good black players to arise out of this period of chess.
- The Touch-Move rule: if a player attempts to molest their opponent before a checkmate is declared, they must immediately move out of the playing area.
- 'J'adoube': 'I adjust' - an exception to the 'Touch-move' rule. If a player purrs at another player in French, he or she may touch his or her opponent in various ways.
- Before making each move, a player must always have an agonized look on his/her face, as though constipated.
- Players are not allowed to make up their own rules. Fortunately, this rule does not apply to you, but it does apply to that chess club geek who keeps insisting that 'castling' and 'en passant' are actual rules and perfectly legal during games.
As the name of the section says, Chess rules!!!
Cheating in chess is discouraged. Here, the white king has been caught cheating.
The Pieces
- King - The King is the most important piece on the board. It is also the slowest and is commonly believed to be the least useful piece as well. The King can only move one space in any direction except in special circumstances when I am playing. In this case, he may be able to jump over a wall of pawns to conveniently avoid checkmate, or fly around the board and knock down all the opposing pieces just when it appears all hope is lost. Because you know, he's King. And it's good to be the King. Hail to the King, baby.
- Queen - The Queen does as she's told, if she knows what's good for her. She is also widely regarded as the game's sex symbol.
- Pawn - Pawns are the "foot soldiers" of chess, in that, like actual foot soldiers, they line up and mindlessly march forward to their slaughter.
- Bishop - Generally considered the most pious of all the pieces, bishops move diagonally to represent their historical practice of squeezing through small cracks in cathedral walls in order to sneak out during the recessional and get hammered.
- Knight - They're just odd. And they're shaped like horses. Honestly, I think the inventors just had an extra space and just decided upon a 'magic horse'. The knight can jump over other pieces - even much taller pieces - because that's just what enchanted ponies do.
- Rook - A rook (Corvus frugilegus) is a crow-like bird. In chess, however, they're shaped like castles. I think the inventors... . This makes no sense at all.
Police mugshot of the bishop. I'm sure you can fill in the details yourself.
Chess Strategies
Although it has recently been proven that chess does not require much strategy or skill, there were a few cultures in history that strongly believed otherwise. Here are some of the strategies that they thought would work:
- Najdorf - Memorize 35 moves of opening theory, and then lose the game in 23 moves after your opponent plays the Sveshnikov, which you forgot to memorize. And yes, it really is pronounced "Nye-dorf".
- King's pawn gambit - Sacrifice your King's pawn in order to gain an advantage somehow. Not to be confused with the even more successful King's bishop pawn gambit.
- King's bishop pawn gambit - Nobody cares. Not to be confused with the somewhat less successful King's gambit.
- King's gambit - Sacrifice your King in order to gain an advantage in development. Often considered an unacceptably risky move.
- British Defense - This play only works when you play white. Declare yourself owner of all the squares and subject the black pieces to slavery, thus making their king your pawn.
- French Defense - Line up five of your pawns in front of your king. Express shock when your opponent simply moves his queen around them. Surrender.
- Queen's Gambit Declined. A lullaby opening, to lull your opponent to sleep. A very dangerous strategy, since you may fall asleep too.
- Cold Shoulder - An extremely effective and annoying maneuver which involves doing absolutely nothing during your turn until your opponent gets fed up and leaves, automatically making you the winner. Not to be played in a timed game.
- Knocking All The Pieces Off The Board And Spitting In Your Opponent's Face - Usually considered a last resort.
Chess Terminology
- Castling - taking one's pieces and relocating to a nearby castle so that one is completely safe and can chortle at one's opponent as they try to assault one's impenetrable fortress. This tactic was made popular in 1922 by Sir Noel Coward, an English actor and the founder of Cowardism.
- Fork - positioning a piece such that it attacks two of the opponent's pieces at once, then closing one's eyes and reciting, "eenie, meenie, miney, moe...", before attacking one of the pieces with cutlery.
- Skewer - thrusting a lance across the chess board and impaling one's opponent. Note: May result in the filing of criminal charges.
- Check - telling your opponent that you're going to win on the next move if he or she doesn't prevent it. This is generally considered a stupid thing to do.
- Double Check - pushing an opponent against the boards and body slamming said opponent twice. May result in boarding and/or cross-checking penalties.
Chess Variants
·Aztec Chess
A type of Chess founded by Aztec priests who foresaw the future of their empire. The goal for the Black team (Spanish) is to kill all Aztec Eagle warriors shown as White pawns. The Aztecs don't have a goal, because they will always lose the game, except for the unusual situation that the Black team surrenders... Which has happened only once in history, although there are disputes about this. In a friendly game of Aztec Chess between Gandalf. Gandalf was the Spanish, and he had to rescue that stupid hobbit once again, so he couldn't finish the game. Some say he surrendered. Others say that they agreed to finish it another time..
Rules: The Spanish only control tower. They will move the same way as in normal chess. The Aztecs only control Pawns. They may move just like Queens, but there is one exception. They can't capture pieces. This feature was added in the beginning of the 20th century to make it more historically adequate.
Another variation of the game is, if by some miracle of the many gods the aztecs manage to capture a Spanish chess piece, then he is to be a sacrifice by ripping out his heart at the altar. This rule was abolished in 1637 by the Spanish, because it seems somewhat unethical and non-catholic. Plus, Spaniards are sore losers.
Before the Aztec variation of chess, there was Maya, Olmec, Inca and Toltec chess. However, all the chess boards mysteriously dissapeared. For Olmec chess and then Maya chess and then Inca and then Toltec. Some say that they were just alien's chess boards and the Aliens took them back. Another explanation is that the chess boards were from the lost city of Atlantis. But I guess we'll never know....
·Gangsta Chess
Gansta Chess is a modern version of the ancient strategy game Chess. The rules remain the same for the most part. The primary difference is that the pieces are called by different names. They are:
Pimp: Takes the place of the king, and he profits from the work of his men..
Ho: Takes the place of the queen. This is by far the most influential piece on the board as it can entice all the other pieces. Moves wherever the pimp damn well tells it to.
The man with the gat: Can take out opponents by firing their gat diagnally across the board
Fly Ride: Zips past other pieces to take down the the other ganstas. The man with the gat can slow it by blowing its tires, but he must roll a natural 20 and pass a reflex save with DC 25.
The crib: The pimps home and castle. The non-traditional castling move is actually the pimp returning to one of his cribs on either the west side or the east side.
The homies: These are the pimps buds who can be sacrificed without worry because we all know where the moneys at.
Also, the terms "check" and "check mate" have been replaced by "He gonna get it!" and "Complete hood takeover." .
A more modified version of the game is currently being developed by chimpanzees on the planet of the apes in which the black pieces are gangsta and the white pieces the "popos." However, this planet has not yet been found, although technically that gay ass dude from "2001: a Space Odyssey" found it, he's stuck in a time warp in the planet cheese.
The board no longer has 64 squares in 8x8 format, this being "square." It has been replaced by a series of rows ending at rotaries and a highway above them, as in most urban areas. The more expensive boards also include apparatuses in which packs of cigs are deposited, emitting a haze of poison smoke and hot blood over the board. Some makers of such boards, such as the famous "Toys R Bitchin" company have been sued by Los Angeles, because of the obvious similarities.
Chess Philosophy
Chess is viewed by some as a workout. Moving your fingers to and fro, up and down the chessboard, is believed to build your lats and traps and generally get you massively "pumped".
Others view chess as a philosophy. They see chess a a perfect convergence between the realms of psychology, meta-physics, and raw intelligence. These ideologies are incorrect due to the lack of evidence of any knowledge ever gained from playing chess.
The real point of chess is to waste your time in a "productive" manner, as apposed to video games or watching TV. There is also believed to be an aspect of mental abuse, as some kings and bishops have claimed that "chess size matters."
