So I have finally made my way into the realm of frustration, making move after move. Its almost like it's a duty rather than fun. I started playing chess to relieve boredom and now its becoming this monster that I can't control. I wake up early thinking of the my next move.. I can't wait till my wife leaves to delve into the PC and traverse the red sea of "my move", "my move", "my move", "my move"....As if I were hiding a drug addiction or a porn collection. I feel as though I'm going to drown. I'm becoming obsessed with it.... I dream it, I live it and on top of it all I'm not even that good! Its like Ive hit this brick wall and am unable to progress and its maddening. I want so bad bad to be the best that its making me worse.... all my life it's always been all or nothing with me, in everything I do. If I'm not a grandmaster I'm nothing.
For those of you who know my physical problems, it only compounds the problem due to the lack of "constructive" things I can do. I just sit and worry. I sit and wait. In fact just yesterday I sat and starred at the computer screen and waited for 3 hours just for someone to make a move! How pathetic!..... I think I will go now and take another pill.....