The Importance Of Being Hated

Now, I know that you're probably asking yourself, How do I know the difference between my nemesis and my archenemy? Here is the short answer: You kind of like your nemesis, despite the fact that you despise him. If your nemesis invited you out for cocktails, you would accept the offer. If he died, you would attend his funeral and--privately--you might shed a tear over his passing. But you would never have drinks with your archenemy, unless you were attempting to spike his gin with hemlock. If you were to perish, your archenemy would dance on your grave, and then he'd burn down your house and molest your children. You hate your archenemy so much that you try to keep your hatred secret, because you don't want your archenemy to have the satisfaction of being hated.

RECOGNIZING YOUR NEMESIS

• At some point in the past, this person was (arguably) your best friend.
• You have punched this person in the face.
• If invited, you would go to this person's wedding and give him a spice rack, but you would secretly hope that his marriage ends in a bitter, public divorce.
• People who barely know both of you assume you are close friends; people who know both of you intimately suspect that you profoundly dislike each other.
• If your archenemy tried to kill you, this person would attempt to stop him.

RECOGNIZING YOUR ARCHENEMY

• Every time you talk to this person, you lie.
• If you meet someone who has the same first name as this person, you immediately like him less.
• The satisfaction you feel from your own success pales in comparison to the despair you feel at this person's triumphs, even if those triumphs are completely unrelated to your life.
• If this person slept with your girlfriend, she would never be attractive to you again.
• Even if this person's girlfriend was a hateful bitch, you would sleep with her out of spite.

Shamelessly lifted from Chuck Klosterman's essay, "The Importance of Being Hated"

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