Though nothing disappoints me more than to reveal the devastating, and perhaps career threatening, secrets of my fellow countryman Magnus Carlsen, the time has come to clean out my closets.
When Magnus Carlsen told me last week that he plans to quit chess to pursue a career of modeling and acting, I just couldn't keep his secret any longer: Grandmaster Magnus Carlsen is actually a robot in disguise. Not just any robot, Magnus - or originally MC2460 Artificial Intelligence Project Version #4 - was originally built by my parents to provide companionship for me and my teddy bear over 15 years ago.
ORIGINAL MODEL of the MC2460:
When my parents could no longer leave their careers as top-secret government scientists for the Norwegian Army behind, they had the idea of putting their vastly superior knowledge of technology to use for me, in order to provide a chaperone for me as I traveled the world playing chess. They knew that having me accompanied by an actual robot would make for a very frightened chess community. So they set out to make MC2460 look as human as possible:
MODEL OF MC2460's FACE:
They succedded, well at least to a certain degree, to make Magnus (as we started calling him) look human... As Magnus and I traveled the world however, he began passing his time waiting to take me to McDonald's for my Happy Meals and other fun places like Chukie Cheeses', by playing in the chess tournaments. Obviously having a similar processing core to that of Deep Blue - Magnus possesed brilliant, "in-human", chess skills. He quickly passed me in the rankings. Before I knew it, my whole entire life had been turned upside down.
ONLY MY TEDDY TO COMFORT ME:
My parents saw this as an opportunity to capitalize and gain wealth from Magnus's success. I was now being asked to follow him everywhere! Oh the shame !!! And the burden of carrying this secret !!! I believe I had finally settled into my supporting role, but then Magnus decided to take his fame "off the board" and transcend the sport of chess. He launched his modeling career, leaving me behind with no one but Peter Heine Nielsen to comfort me at tournaments (and Pete snores in his sleep, so that sucked). Magnus's modeling career took off almost as quicky as it began:
MAGNUS CARLSEN: HOW COULD NO ONE TELL THAT HE ISN'T HUMAN???
Needless to say I have been devastated for the last two years. However, I might have been able to teddy bear this burden if only my once-childhood friend would continue to travel the world and play chess with me. But after hearing of his coming announcement, I could take no more...
Sorry old pal, but I believe "the truth shall set you free"... Though in your case, that likely means you are headed back to the lab for "testing"... See ya later MC2460! I will live in your "artificially intelligent shadow" no longer!!!
Sincerely, Jon Ludvig Hammer -- Norway's TRUE Super-GM!!!